


escapism

by sourstares



Series: hunters for kale [2]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Canon Compliant, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Mental Health Issues, Post-Chimera Ant Arc, Recovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 22:40:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29426136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sourstares/pseuds/sourstares
Summary: Flashes of nightmares and hours of absolute nothing had fuzzed up his mind. He hadn’t known where he was, or what had happened, and for a horrifying minute he’d thought he’d dreamed it all up. Before he saw Killua standing there, he’d been almost sure that he was back on Whale Island, an eleven-year-old fisher boy with an overactive imagination.But it was all real. Killua, Leorio, Kurapika. Real. Hisoka, Chrollo, Ilumi, the Spiders, Neferpitou and the Ants, the other Zoldycks… Unfortunately also real. Or fortunately, maybe. He’s never able to make up his mind.It is all real, of course it is, but the fear that it was all in his head lies ever present in the dark. Sometimes he wonders if it’s a selfish fear. After all, wouldn’t it be better for everything not to have happened at all?
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck
Series: hunters for kale [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2161620
Comments: 3
Kudos: 10





	escapism

Falling asleep didn’t used to be such a problem, if Gon remembers correctly.

He used to be able to sleep anywhere, everywhere, all the time. He’d nod off on the airship between cities, take a nap in the tree while he waited for the fish to get hungry, sleep in test chambers, abandoned buildings, hospital rooms…

Well, actually, the hospital rooms are kind of what caused the problem in the first place.

It had been… strange, and disorienting, and terrifying to wake up after who-knows-how long in that cold, dark, and ugly room with bandages all over his body and a mask on his face and tubes and tape and needles everywhere. And going between flashes of nightmares and hours of absolute nothing… it had fuzzed up his mind. He hadn’t known where he was, or what had happened, and for a horrifying minute he’d thought he’d dreamed it all up. Before the doctors removed his mask and bandages, he’d been almost sure that he was back on Whale Island, an eleven-year-old fisher boy with an overactive imagination. It was enough to get him to cry, which was a whole nother level of awful he doesn’t even want to think about.

Honestly, Gon doesn’t want to think about any of it at all. He rolls onto his side, staring into the darkness of his childhood room, just waiting for the exhaustion to hit him hard enough that he finally falls asleep. His bed is warm and soft, but he can’t get comfortable. His thoughts aren’t focused, but they won’t stop coming. He wishes he had someone to talk to; someone who’d understand, like Kurapika, or maybe Ging. Maybe Killua, if they’re even on good enough terms to talk about something like this. He’s a little confused on where they stand right now, even though he doesn’t think they’re angry anymore.

Killua had been there, he remembers. He’d seen him when they took off the bandages, watching from a distance, like he wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be there or not. They’d been in a fight, and they’d needed to talk it out--still do, actually--but the simple fact that Killua was there (that he  _ exists _ ) had embarrassingly enough brought Gon to tears once again. It was all real. Killua, Leorio, Kurapika. Real. Hisoka, Chrollo, Ilumi, the Spiders, Neferpitou and the Ants, the other Zoldycks… Unfortunately also real. Or fortunately, maybe. He’s never able to make up his mind.

It  _ is _ all real, of course it is, but the fear that it was all in his head lies ever present in the dark. Sometimes he wonders if it’s a selfish fear. After all, wouldn’t it be better for everything not to have happened at all? Kite would still be alive, and everyone at the auction, and all the other fatalities whose names he doesn’t even know. It’s stupid. There are too many of them. If he was given the choice, and he decided that the last four years were real, he’d be responsible for all those deaths. But giving them up? What would that accomplish in the end?

The bed isn’t working. Gon pushes the blanket onto the floor and stands, the old rug scratching against his bare feet. He wants to go for a run, but he might wake one of the islanders up. Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. At least he’d have someone to talk to.

He still has his phone, of course. And he has everyone’s numbers. It’s hard to pick it up and call them, but sometimes he looks at their contact photos until he’s convinced that they really do exist, and it’s maybe a little easier to fall asleep. He doesn’t tell his doctors about it--they’re already pushing for him to  _ reach out and ask for help from your friends _ , and the hours of staring at a cluster of colors seems like it might turn those pushes into demands.

He should get some water and go lie down. It isn’t good for his eyes to look at a screen so late at night. The familiar, beetle-shaped device is already in his hand, booting up with a cheerful melody. It’s impossible to resist.

Kurapika’s contact photo is definitely the most composed one in his phone. He looks calm and composed, even through the low-quality film of the phone screen. His hair is longer than it had been when Gon first met him, and he seems older by a mile even if he still looks young. Leorio’s photo is bad, if he’s being blunt, but it doesn’t make it  _ bad _ exactly. He’s got one of his stupid expressions on (the one where he’s trying too hard to look cool, and failing miserably). His glasses are halfway down the bridge of his nose. He looks ridiculous. Gon cracks a smile.

_ Kurapika’s photo _ , he thinks a bit guiltily,  _ I could have dreamt up. _ It’s composed enough, scensical enough, that it might have been something he’d seen in a book on Whale Island that had made its way into his subconscious. Leorio’s, on the other hand, is too remarkable for even his brain to create. Gon’s not even sure he’d be able to even if he tried.

Killua looks the same as ever. A little bit annoyed that Gon is making him stop walking just to take a contact photo, because  _ We don’t have enough time for this! We’ve gotta find a way to make money, or else you’re never gonna be able to afford Greed Island. _ He’s wearing one of those outfits with too many colors and whatever weird necklace he decides “goes” well. Out of everyone, even more than Kurapika, Gon thinks he could have made Killua up easiest. Killua is his best friend. He’d always dreamed of having one.

He thinks he remembers seeing Killua on the sidelines, during his fight with Neferpitou. But it had been too close to the almost-end for him to recall clearly. Killua doesn’t really talk about it, and Gon doesn’t push him much. Maybe he would have, if he hadn’t wanted to avoid the topic as well. He thinks they’re both pretty messed up from it, and it hasn’t been long enough for it to stop feeling bad. His doctors say that feeling bad is better than feeling numb, but Gon isn’t sure he believes them. Besides, feeling bad is never easy on his own. Misery loves company, and right now, Gon has none. And when he did have it, he’d been too upset and scared to bring it up at all.

Killua is probably asleep right now. Actually, maybe he’s not. Gon doesn’t really know how time zones work, but he’s pretty sure that Killua doesn’t adhere his sleep schedule to the rise and set of the sun. Still, he probably doesn’t want to talk. He never wants to talk. Gon wants to talk. Gon is already pressing the call button, pushing his window open, and crawling over the sill into the cool night air.

It usually takes Killua less than one full ring to answer his phone, or to reject the call. Apparently at somewhere around three in the morning, it takes closer to two. Gon isn’t about to complain, mostly because he’s suddenly forgotten everything he could possibly say.

“ _ Gon. _ ”

It’s the first thing anyone had said to him after he woke up post-magical healing miracle. Or maybe it’s just the first thing he’d actually heard, and maybe it’s just because it’s his name, or because it’s in Killua’s voice. Whatever the case, it had cleared the fog out of Gon’s head just enough for him to form a response.

“Killua,” he’d said back. It was barely audible as it came out of his throat--he thinks he was thirsty. He couldn’t see Killua very well from his spot at the back of the room, so he’d reached out with one hand, moving his fingers stiffly like he could draw Killua towards him. He remembers the way Killua had stared at his arm, his expression twisting unhappily.

“ _ Gon! _ ”

“Killua,” Gon says, jerking to attention. He presses the beetle phone more firmly against his face, like it’ll make up for the silence. “Hey, sorry. Did I wake you up?”

“ _ Nope _ ,” Killua says, sounding rather truthfully awake. “ _ I slept already. What about you? _ ”

“I haven’t yet,” Gon tells him, scrunching up his nose. “And don’t start lecturing me, ‘cause I know you’re not supposed to be up yet either!”

“ _ Because I’m between jobs? _ ”

“Because you’re fourteen.”

A beat of silence passes between them. Gon can hear Killua moving about on the other end--he sits perfectly still where he is. He’d wanted to talk. He hadn’t wanted this.

He speaks before he knows what he’s saying.

“What’s my contact photo look like in your phone?”

The movement sounds on the other end of the call stop abruptly. Gon almost smiles picturing Killua’s confused, annoyed expression. “ _ Why? _ ” he asks, sounding exasperated and curious at the same time.

“I just wanna know.” Gon shrugs uselessly.

Killua hums, the movement sounds picking up. He must be walking somewhere, or maybe he’s cooking. (Gon doesn’t think he knows how to cook, but he doesn’t dare say that. It’s more likely that Killua’s pacing, then.)

“ _ You don’t have one _ ,” Killua says at last, matter-of-factly. Gon balks.

“What?!”

“ _ Do you think it’s a smart idea for an assassin to carry around photos of his friends all the time?” _ Killua snaps, incredulous. _ “You’re such an idiot! _ ”

“I am not! You’re the idiot if you think it’d make a difference either way!”

_ “Huh?! A picture of your face makes you ten times more likely to be found than just a name and number. Are you even thinking about what you’re saying? _ ”

Gon puffs out his cheeks stubbornly. “If dangerous people ever got ahold of your phone, don’t you think I’d be right there with you? Or if I wasn’t, don’t you think I’d be on my way to find you as soon as I found out you were in trouble?”

“ _ That’s-! _ ” Killua stops short, then lets out a frustrated sigh. “ _ Just because you’re right, doesn’t mean it’s logical for me to have a photo of you in my contacts!” _

“Well it’s not  _ un _ -logical, so you should have one anyway,” Gon argues. “Having blank contacts is just weird.”

“ _ Ugh _ ,  _ fine _ ,” Killua grumbles. “ _ Just send me one when the sun comes up, or something. _ ”

“Actually…” Gon taps his fingers against the windowsill a couple of times, looking out towards the ocean. “I was thinking you could take one yourself, when you come to Whale Island.”

“ _... You want me to visit? _ ”

Killua sounds surprised. Gon doesn’t blame him--he hasn’t brought it up at all before now. He didn’t really think he was well enough to see everyone, and he wasn’t sure if they’d have the time or resources to visit just for fun. Leorio’s offered a few times, casually, and Kurapika’s made some vague statements about  _ when we see each other again _ , but Gon’s never extended an official invitation until now. He doesn’t know why. He thinks this might be asking for help.

“Yeah,” he says, quiet. “I want everyone to visit. I- I wanna see you all.”

Killua hums again, affirmatively. “ _ I can make some arrangements for Alluka and I to drop by soon. You’ll have to get ahold of the others. I know Kurapika is pretty busy, and I’m sure Leorio’s off doing something sleazy or stupid, but I’m sure they’d want to see you, too _ .”

“Yeah.”

Gon is reaching out towards the ocean with the hand not holding his phone. He doesn’t know which direction his friends are in right now, but he thinks he must be pointing towards at least one of them. The light from his phone illuminates the back of his hand and shines through the nubs of his fingernails.

“ _ Even if they can’t come yet _ ,” Killua continues, “ _ I’ll try to be there before the month is over. It feels weird going this long without seeing you _ .”

“It does?” Gon wonders aloud. “I mean, it’s weird not seeing you, too. I’ve got so much to tell you.”

“ _ Yeah _ ,” Killua agrees. “ _ We have a lot to talk about _ .”

“And a photo to take, right?”

For the first time in months, he hears Killua’s laugh. (Sharp and mean, just the way he remembers it.) “Oh, fine,” Killua relents at last. “I guess one photo wouldn’t hurt.”

Gon grins, and for once it actually feels real. “By the end of the month. You promise?”

“I promise,” Killua says. “I’ll be there, Gon. As soon as I can.”

**Author's Note:**

> for kale [gachahugs](https://twitter.com/gachahugs?lang=en) who is ALWAYS talking about liking sweet and loving stories and then makes like extremely sad pitou or killua fanart and comics and pretends it isn't angst?? make it make sense  
> anyway happy birthday chair sorry i don't have a better gift rn :( this was a one night project can you tell 0_0 i hope you like it anyway!! happy birthday again, i hope this year is a good one for you and hunter comes back and all your favorite characters are in it!!


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